His Cheeseburger
by Icheb-lover
Summary: Songfic. Dudley Dursley finds his true love. Pairing: DudleyCheeseburger (?). One-shot.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to the brilliant J.K. Rowling, I'm just borrowing them for a while. The song "His Cheeseburger" belongs to BigIdea Productions. It was part of their 1998 film "Madame Blueberry", and I thought it would make a marvelous Harry Potter fic.  
  
A/N: Not quite sure what this is, but the idea came as I was listening to my Veggie Tales c.d. First songfic. I hope you all find this as funny to read as I did to write!  
  
//: song lyrics  
  
His Cheeseburger!  
  
Dudley Dursley waddled disconsolately across the park. He felt so very lonely. Piers, Dennis and Gordon had all left to go home, but he couldn't go home just yet. He knew what it was that he needed, and he knew that he couldn't get it at home. His mother had put him on a diet this summer, just feeding him "rabbit food". He had never felt so hungry in his life.  
  
At the street corner, he turned towards the commercial district. He was sweating, his palms were itching, he had never had this much exercise in his life, but the need, the aching longing that had lodged itself deep in the pit of his stomach propelled him.  
  
And then, there it was in the distance, the neon hamburger sign that hung in the darkening sky like a vision of the Holy Grail. The enticing smell of processed beef called him on. He must get there. If only he could arrive it would be worth it!  
  
With the erotic smell of French Fries wafting out of the windows, luring him on, Dudley spurred his aching body forward. Finally, he was standing at the drive in window.  
  
//He said to her "I'd like a cheeseburger,"  
  
"And maybe a milkshake as well."  
  
She said to him, "I can't give you either"  
  
And he said, "Isn't this Burger Bell?"  
  
She said, "Yes it is, but we're closed now,"  
  
"But we open tomorrow at ten."  
  
He said, "I am extremely hungry,"  
  
"But I guess I can wait until then."//  
  
The girl at the counter had left, and the lights at Burger Bell were all extinguished. The enticing smell that had hooked him in remained, warming his blood as he sat in the pool of light from the near by streetlight.  
  
The smell curled in through his nostrils, and seemed to pool in his achingly empty belly. The carrot sticks that his mother had given him seemed ages and ages away. With that smell, he could imagine the cheeseburger, feel its warm heat, fresh off the grill; the soft bun caressing his fat fingers. He could almost taste it, taste it rolling through his mouth, so juicy, so fresh.  
  
//Cos' you're his cheeseburger, his yummy cheeseburger,  
  
He'll wait for you, yeah, he'll wait for you!  
  
Yeah, you are his cheeseburger, his tasty cheeseburger,  
  
He'll wait for you, oh, he will wait for you!//  
  
The moon had begun to fall back over the horizon, and Dudley woke with a start. He grasped longingly at the edges of a dream that was fast receding. There had been a cheeseburger in it, and fries... It was gone. Dudley was aware that he had been sitting on cold grass across from the drive in all night. He felt stiff, and sore, and achingly hungry. Surely, he thought, Mum and Dad will have begun searching for me by now; Mum'll be frantic. Really, I should go home.  
  
But he couldn't. He couldn't leave without his cheeseburger. Now that he'd nearly got her, she was almost in his grasp; he couldn't leave without making her his own.  
  
The thought of what she would taste like seemed to fill him with warmth, and the aching cold of his joints began to vanish. In the tree behind him, a bird began to sing, heralding the imminent arrival of the dawn, and the next morning, when he would finally win his cheeseburger.  
  
//He stayed at the drive-through till sunrise,  
  
He may have dozed off once or twice,  
  
When he spotted a billboard for Denny's  
  
Bacon and eggs for half-price!"//  
  
No, he told himself firmly, you will not give in to the bacon – you waited here all night for your cheeseburger, and getting one is only a few hours away.  
  
His stomach fought against his reasoning. He felt it growl, reminding him that it had been hours since he had eaten anything. From down the street, Dudley could smell the bacon. He could almost he the siren sizzle of fried eggs...  
  
He looked down at his watch. It was five o'clock in the morning. Burger Bell didn't open till ten! He tried to strengthen his resolve, thinking of his cheeseburger, but all he could taste was eggs, all he could hear was the crunch of bacon in his teeth. He could feel the warmth of egg yoke dripping down his chin...  
  
//How could he resist such an offer?  
  
He really needed something to munch!  
  
Cheeseburger, please do not get angry,  
  
He'll eat and be back here for lunch!//  
  
As Dudley waddled down the street as fast as his legs could manage, he found his thoughts still rested with his cheeseburger.  
  
//Cos' you're his cheeseburger, his precious cheeseburger!  
  
Be back for you, he'll be back for you!  
  
Won't be so long cheeseburger, oh lovely cheeseburger,  
  
Be back for you, oh, he'll be back for you!//  
  
Once he felt the last of the bacon and eggs had filled his stomach, the enormity of what he had just down came crashing down on Dudley's head. He had had bacon and eggs. He had waited all night in a drive through for a cheeseburger, and he had had bacon and eggs! He felt so weak.  
  
He left the Denny's with all the speed he could muster, and collapsed in a heap outside. Tears wracked his massive chest. The thought of the cheeseburger still filled him with longing, but now it was tinged with guilt; guilt because of what he had just done.  
  
// 'Cos he loves you, cheeseburger, with all his heart,  
  
And there is nothing going to tear you two apart,  
  
And if the world suddenly ran out of cheese,  
  
He would get down on his hands and knees,  
  
So if someone accidentally dropped some cheese on the floor,  
  
He would pick it up for you, pick it up for you,  
  
Clean that dirty cheese off just for you!//  
  
Dudley paid his penance all that morning. He waited in front of the door to Burger Bell, heedless of the cold pavement, watching the "closed" sign with a breathless anticipation. Then, with the surrealism of something long anticipated, the sign read open. Dudley bought his cheeseburger, was unwrapping it, feeling its warmth in his fingers, the sense of completion as it filled him in ways that bacon and eggs never could.  
  
//You're his cheeseburger!//  
  
Oh, yes, he loved his cheeseburger. 


End file.
